An Open Letter to Trump Haters

Dear Trump Haters-

I just wanted to point out a few things, but first I would ask you to take a deep breath, put social media and CNN aside, and just think about what I have to say. 

Short version:

1. Before running for president, the media, political and community leaders, and most of the public really liked Donald Trump. They admired his ability to build wealth, and to recover from losing wealth and building his empire back up.
2. No president is without skeletons in the closet, a huge ego, and the ability to say stupid things. 
3. The media is not telling you the whole story, and often they're not even telling the truth. They don't show you everything, and they tell you what to think about what they do show you.
4. Just because it's in a meme or said by a comedian or news anchor doesn't make it true. 
5. Last point- do some research, don't form your opinion of any man, including President Trump, based on what you hear from those who despise him. 

Long version:

Caveats are required nowadays, so here are mine. Trump is egotistical and often tweets or says things that are embarrassing. He's behaved immorally in the past, and it's well-documented. I don't agree with everything he says or does, as is normal with any politician. I fully acknowledge that he is a pompous egotist.

A couple of points to consider: a huge ego is a hallmark of people who run for president. So is sexual promiscuity (this seems to go hand-in-hand with power). Bill Clinton's forays into naughtiness are well-documented, and stories of JFK's extra-marital relationships are generally accepted as truth. It wouldn't suprise me in the least for stories of other presidents' infidelity or promiscuity to be many-- they've just managed to remain secrets. As far as we know, Trump's misbehavior in this arena is behind him. 

As for the dumb things he says- do you remember when George W. Bush was president and SNL decided to make him look like a moron? They took a few gaffes and made a running gag out of the "idiot president", and now I bet you believe he's a buffoon, a nincompoop, and ill-educated. Bush has a degree in history from Yale. Yale. He's not stupid. 

But when any popular media outlet decides to label someone a certain way, it becomes "common knowledge" among the public. Even if it's just not true. Biden is a gaffe machine, and no mainstream media outlet, no running SNL sketches, no liberal talk show hosts make fun of him. Obama surely said things that he shouldn't have, things that could have been mocked (everyone does), but we didn't hear about them. But everything Trump says is sliced up, held under intense negatively-biased scrutiny, and blasted over every media outlet. And from comedians to news anchors, whatever they decide the public opion should be is spread across the country, and people believe every word. Yes Trump says some stupid things- even his supporters acknowledge that. But not everything he says deserves the level of outrage it gets.

Long caveat. Also Trump has weird hair. Acknowledged.

Here's what I want you to really consider. Look back 10 years ago, and Trump was a media darling. Obama said something akin to "Everyone wishes they were Donald Trump," -- said with a smile, not as a criticizm. Trump was lauded by Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and others. Not one single person thought for a second that Trump was racist. None. 

(photos are hyperlinked to sources)

Then he did the unthinkable and declared himself a Republican and ran for president against the queen of the Democrats and, even worse, won! The media went berserk! Someone decided to label Trump a racist. They took a comment Trump made about a gang of thugs, and a reference to him calling a country where it's horrible to live a hell-hole (I think), and proclaimed that those words made him a racist. And it stuck. 

There are people who truly believe that he is racist. You're probably one of them. But if you listen to his entire speeches, if you consider the context and who and what he is referring to, none of the statements paraded out as racist actually are. Racism is putting one race above another, and he does not do that. In fact, under his guidance the U.S. unemployment rates among black people are (or were before the covid craziness) the lowest they've ever been.

But the narrative continues to be spread and people believe it at face value.

Trump with Alveda King, MLK's niece

If your opinion about Donald Trump has been formed by memes, social media posts, CNN, MSNBC, etc., and so-called comedians' opinions, you're not actually deciding for yourself. None of those people will play his entire speeches. If you watch CNN's coverage of a speech and then watch the whole thing elsewhere, you'll be shocked at how little they show you. I'm not going to go into why the mainstream media doesn't want you to see the rest. Hopefully you have enough of a brain to figure that out. Unless the brainwashing works, you will.

I remember the first time I heard the suggestion that the media wasn't telling us the whole truth- this was like 18 years ago or something- and it was like waking up. I thought- wait a minute, what!? Then I compared certain news stories and how the media had reported them vs. how a conservative radio personality reported them - he told a much more detailed, full story. (I don't remember specifics, just the feeling of waking up). I was shocked, amazed, and I immediately stopped believing what I was told or shown by even my local news.

One example of modern news media. Scary.

I encourage you to do your own research. Balance your media diet with the other side, and look behind what you're being taught by meme culture and media (including movies, books, TV shows, podcasts, and music). There is (naturally) an agenda to take down Trump any way possible, even if it comes to lying and slander, and the media are 100% complicit. 

Is he perfect? Of course not. I'd rather not have to defend the guy- I'd rather you did your own research and formed your own opinions, but it seems like social media culture has been enough for you. If the person on your TV or in the video you're watching hates Trump and slanders him, that's good enough for you. Please stop and think. 

Do you like your life? Do you like having a job? Do you like having the freedom to improve your life through education or training or entrepreneurship? Do you enjoy your car, your phone, your TV, your laptop, and other benefits of capitalism? Then you really should consider maybe not voting for those who are ready to push capitalism off a cliff and replace it with their version of what's good for you. Because that's what is happening.

There's so much more I could say, but I'll wrap it up. Just please, use your brain. It's a good brain. It can make its own decisions and judgments.

In the meantime, I'm scared to let people I work with know I'm a conservative. Is that how you want the country to be? Should I be afraid to share my thoughts publicly? Do I deserve to be attacked for asking someone to consider whether what you've been told is true? This is not right, and the flames of hatred, judgment, and now, violence, are being flamed by the media and the Democrat politicians (pay attention to what they say). Trump is not to blame for any of it. He has tried to patch up the division that developed during the last administration, and his opposition has blocked those efforts every step of the way. Do you want to live in an America that hates white people (aka racism)? Do you want to live in an America without police? I mean, really? 

THINK. And then go educate yourself. You can do it. 

God bless you and God bless America. 

Masks

You don’t care and you probably won’t read this whole thing, but this is why I have issues with masks. My reasons are not political, but based on logic, reason, and my personal experiences. I don’t write this so you will debate me. It’s just to state my reasoning and my point of view. Please don’t attack me. I’m more fragile than you realize.

I’ll start with the personal:

• -       I have anxiety which manifests in many ways, but one major way is by affecting my ability to get enough air. Wearing a mask makes me somewhat panicky because I am not getting fresh air. So, yes, you will see me touching my mask a lot, because I’m pulling it away from my mouth enough to breathe. If you have never experienced this kind of anxiety, you really, truly don’t know what it’s like, and I imagine I’m not the only person who experiences it. Some people are fine breathing warm, stale air through a mask, but it freaks me out.
• -       Wearing a mask for more than a few minutes makes my nose runny, which is kind of ironic because if I’m not wearing one, my nose is dry and not emitting moisture. Which leads to logic and reason.

Logic and Reason:

• -       How do viruses spread? ON MOISTURE PARTICLES. They are not free-roaming through the air. For someone who is breathing normally, through their nose, germs do not escape their nose hairs, linger in the air until an unsuspecting human comes along, then clamber up their nose, past their nose hairs, and lodge themselves in those mucous membranes. The evidence people share that masks are better, such as the photograph of the girl blowing into cold air to make mist with and without a mask, universally include a person forcing air, whether through a sneeze, cough, spit, or blowing. Normal, gentle breathing through the nose does not expel enough moisture to carry viruses. This used to be common knowledge before everyone jumped on the bandwagon of terror.
• -       I am not sick. How do I know this? First, I don't breathe in close proximity to others, and now that there is plexiglass everywhere, I don’t even talk to cashiers without the barrier. I’m not breathing in anyone’s germs. I’ve had a long habit of washing my hands when I get home from shopping- this because stores can be really gross. Thus, I have protected my own mucous membranes. Now, you will yell at me that I could be asymptomatic. Well, if I’m not coughing or sneezing, see the first point here.
• -       Propaganda is a tool that is used by companies, governments, and religions. It’s real, and they use it because it works. Propaganda isn’t always inherently evil (aka Nazis) but is usually manipulative and that sends my antenna straight up. If you’re being manipulated, it’s often because someone has an agenda and is bending the truth to convince you of something. Propaganda being gleefully spread by most of you, billboards, and advertisers:

o   You are in danger- see “stay safe”. Whenever I hear this I think, “Why? Is there a grizzly in Walmart? A lion lounging in my yard?” With an extremely high recovery rate, I suspect I am safe, even if I’m exposed and happen to catch it in spite of my precautions. I would much prefer “stay healthy”.

o   You are selfish [bad] if you don’t wear a mask- see “I’m doing it for…” or “a mask isn’t to protect you, it’s to protect others [from your dangerous self]”. This is blatant manipulation and I’m shocked more people don’t see that.

-       Positive test numbers do not equal deaths. The number of CASES are being used to justify mask mandates (at least in Utah). Logic tells us that the number of cases will go up when you test more widely. This is not equal to deaths or hospitalizations.

-       It’s being said a lot, and I have to agree with the logic of it- if masks prevent spreading the virus, then why social distance and plexiglass? If social distancing works, then why masks? And if masks work, then why keep anything closed or limited? Open movie theaters, resume normal operations at the zoo! If they are as effective as the propaganda tells us they are, then why are we still sitting so far apart at church? And if we’re staying far apart, why do we need to wear a mask? The lack of logic sends me in circles.

-       I was on board for the “flatten the curve” slogan. For a few weeks. Then that was forgotten and now we have been convinced that we are not safe and won’t be safe until we have been vaccinated from this. When will that be? There are promises, there are developments, but I hesitate to use a brand new vaccine, especially if it’s been rushed to the public to quell the terror.

So the question I have for everyone who is pro-forced-mask-wearing is this: until when? We will never be “safe.” It’s a virus. The likelihood of us rendering it incapacitated by well people wearing masks is unlikely. It will still survive on moisture particles for a few minutes when someone sneezes (which most people remove their masks to do, btw), and someone else will neglect to wash their hands before eating and may get it. Do you want this to be forever? “If it saves ONE life, then yes, I’ll wear a mask forever!!” I hear you say. Well, that’s bully for you, but the truth is a non-mask wearing person isn’t the one who killed grandma. The virus did. That’s what viruses do to those with underlying problems. Any virus.

I will wear a mask when required, but I’m absolutely not wearing one when I am outdoors. I will simply stay away from public places as much as possible. Which is depressing. I went to Costco yesterday, and in the hour or so that I was there (wearing my mask- don’t yell at me), I noticed that a lot of people just look defeated. We aren’t smiling at each other (something that has been unequivocally proven to be important to humans), and we aren’t connecting or interacting. We have come to believe that everyone around us is dangerous, and that we are too. This isn’t healthy societally or psychologically.

Let’s look at the numbers in Utah. As of today, Utah has had 447,806 people tested, with 526,288 total tests reported (not sure how that works), and of those, there have been 32,572 cases, 1,984 of which required hospitalization. The number of deaths for the state is 235. 235 is .72% of 35,572. Less than 1% of diagnosed cases have been fatal, which is horrible for them, but is a very, very small percentage.

To compare, the black plague wiped out 30-60% of the entire population of Europe- not just people who caught it. Why do I bring up the plague? Because the world is acting like covid is a plague. Like it is so deadly and so dangerous that we need to lock ourselves in our homes, avoid any contact with other humans, and cover our faces every time we leave the house. Covid is not a plague. It’s a virus. It’s deadly to a number of people, most of whom have some other underlying condition (meaning they would probably also have died had they caught the flu), but it’s no plague.

The decisions about how to handle this were based on faulty projections that there would be millions of deaths, and that has proven not to be the case. But there’s no going back. This is the freight train of fear and it’s unstoppable and will go on as long as the news and politicians let it.

I would much rather focus on the positive. In Utah, those numbers mean that 32,337 people have had the dreaded covid and lived to tell the tale. That’s a fantastic number- 99.28% of people in Utah who have been positively diagnosed have survived. I’ve heard personal testimony that for some people it’s like a bad cold, and they’ve been sicker in the past, which should also give us hope.

And the numbers are even better if you’re a kid or teen- which can’t be said for flu, which kills teens every year.

But what do I know.

The Flat Curve

I've been having thoughts about the enemy: Coronavirus, aka Covid-19. If you want to respond with a rebuttal or two, that's great, but please be nice to me. I'm a tad fragile, emotionally, right now, and besides, I would be nice to you, so that's kind of what I expect from others. 

Flatten the Curve

What does it mean to flatten the curve? It means to slow the spread. It was never meant to stop the virus. We locked down to help slow down the disease so our hospitals would not be overwhelmed like those we saw in Northern Italy and in Iran and other places. We now have half-empty hospitals all over many states in the U.S. and some are even having to furlough employees, or send them somewhere else to work. So either flattening the curve by lockdown worked, or some places are less populous and maybe wouldn't have had overrun hospitals anyway- we'll probably never know for sure. 

Slow the Spread

So we've done that part, right? We've slowed the thing down. That accomplished, it's time to start rolling back the lockdown and getting small businesses open and running again. 
WAITAMINUTE
If I say that 👆 in our current emotionally and politically charged climate, I will be accused of "not caring about lives" because people have come to believe that ending the lockdown means people will die. 

However, I have a thing to say on that.

What You're Not Being Told

What everyone seems to have forgotten about flattening the curve to slow the spread is that people are still going to die. Probably the same number of people as would have died had we not locked down. Suppose the estimates were that 200,000 people would get sick and 10,000 people would die from the virus in the U.S. (I'm just grabbing numbers here, no stats or actual estimates). Slowing it down means that instead of all 200,000 getting sick in March and April, they will get it over many more months. And that entire 10,000 would still be projected to die. But no one is saying this- it's brutal, it's painful, but it is true.

We literally cannot remain in lockdown until a vaccine is ready or until people stop getting the virus. A vaccine could take years if it ever comes. You remember the common cold, right? Super common virus, and... no vaccine. And the harsh reality is that poverty is no picnic, either. We are trading time for people's ability to feed their families and pay their bills. I'm not being hyperbolic, either. The 10,000 are still expected to die, remember? Just more spread out than if he hadn't locked down. But the longer the country remains shut down, the more people will lose their jobs or businesses. 

Am I saying we should put their jobs ahead of lives? Of course not. But... sadly, those lives are part of the projected losses to the virus anyway, remember? That sounds cold. I know, our elderly and immune-compromised are people whom we love. We can't imagine "allowing" them to get sick. 

But we can't stop it from happening, guys. Eventually, most of us will get it, and it will be up to individuals to try and stay healthy, just like with other viruses that go around. 

And That's the Thing

Consider this: Those in power who decided the lockdown was necessary knew this going in. They knew that they were just postponing most of those deaths, not stopping them. 

But for some reason the rhetoric and language has changed from "slow the spread" and "flatten the curve" to "If you go back to normal, people will die and it will be on [insert politician's name]'s head." 

Um. No. This virus is not any U.S. citizen's fault. None of us are to blame. None of us set it loose on the world, and none of us has the power to contain it. That's the stark reality. It is going to kill people we love as well as people we don't know. It's deadly.

The virus has become a political football and many people are not thinking for themselves-- the shaming of business owners and employees who want to work is appalling. How can we not be supportive and excited at the prospect of returning to something like normal? How can we not be thrilled if a company feels like it can start paying its employees again? 

Don't get caught up in the rhetoric you are hearing online or on the news or comedy shows you are watching-- stop and think. 

Flattening the curve was done to SLOW the virus down, not to STOP it. Don't get that mixed up. 

So Now What?

Remember, it's not an all or nothing world. There are many choices. 

This is where good old American ingenuity comes in. We're not helpless, nor are we at the mercy of politicians. We have to find a balance between further destroying the economy (and real peoples' lives) and doing what we can to protect the most at-risk.

We could start by opening businesses in counties that are best equipped-- near-empty hospital, people naturally distanced from each other (some of us are spread out, not like NYC), and still ask people to do a couple of common sense things:

1. If you are sick, stay home. 
2. If you go out and are worried about sharing something you may have picked up, wear a mask. 
3. If you are worried about your health, take the same precautions you would with any virus.  
4. I would even say that if your company is able to function with employees working from home, maybe they could do so for another month or more, depending on where you are in the country.

And trust people. I truly don't know anyone who will be actively trying to get others sick. We can elevate our sanitation standards, we can teach our children to wipe down their desks and chairs and we can protect those most at risk and get people back to work.

Asking Questions

So the question is: We are locked down until... what? Until the virus is gone? Not going to happen- reports are coming out about it mutating, which will make it even more difficult to defeat. If we are locking down until we slow down infection rates, well, that has been achieved in most of the United States. It's time to move forward, scary as it is.

And we all need to start really considering what we're being told-- ask questions-- don't just absorb the emotions fed to you through your screens-- stop and think. Don't be manipulated. 

Let's remember that we are all human beings here, trying to do the best we can with what we have. We are all trying to survive and thrive, and we can be more supportive and positive and less emotionally reactive and scornful of those who disagree with us. 

Slow down, think, and really question what you are being told. We aren't getting all the information, nor are we getting the whole story, becase a lot of things here are UNKNOWN. But people will still speak about these issues as though they are experts. Don't believe everything you hear, even if it's from someone you like and respect. It's time to get this country back online. We can do it, together. 

Misfits in the Church

When I was young, I was very, very shy. I hardly spoke at all. We moved every 2 years, so I also didn’t have a lot of friends. One here and one there until jr. high, when we finally settled long enough for me to get comfortable with some kids, as well as finding my love for performing- drama and music. When I started college, one of my home evening brothers was a boy I had been in 2^nd or 3^rd grade with who remembered honestly thinking I was a mute, because I was so quiet back then.

I remember being in Beehives and going to Brighton camp. I was so uncomfortable, so scared and so friendless. But the leaders pressured me into going, and I went. I loved the camp songs, but otherwise I was, not hyperbolically, miserable. I remember going out for a rock repelling activity and I was so scared that I refused to do it. The camp counselors really put on the pressure, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it—I am terrified of heights. Granted, it’s good for us to face our fears in a safe way, and granted, it might have been a turning point in me building some self-confidence, but surrounded by girls who didn’t like me and adults I didn’t know was not the time or place for me to face that fear. I was petrified. On Wednesday of the camp week, the bishop came up and I insisted I needed to go home- I was sick, I was on my period (for one of the first times…) and I had to go home. So, he took me home. I’d never felt so relieved in my life. I was safe at home. (This was post-crazy-abusive-mom-leaving.)

I’ve never been very good at making friends at church. Partly because we moved every 2 years, but also because I’ve never fit the mold—not even now in adulthood. I love the Lord and I love the church, and I’ve never struggled with obeying the Word of Wisdom or other standards, but I’m different. I was not the girl that glowed with confidence and Spirit. I was introverted (as I still am) and quiet and no one really liked me.

Jump forward a few decades and I have a daughter who is, like I was, introverted, quiet, “shy,” and not everyone takes the time necessary to get to know her. In her case, we’ve lived in this house since she was just over one-year old, so she has had the opportunity to make friends and get to know the kids in the neighborhood. This has not been easy for her, though. It’s very hard when you’re not like everyone else. She doesn’t smile a lot in public. She doesn’t laugh easily (in public) or know quite how to fit in. And that’s OKAY.

I promise, I’m getting to my point.

In the church (at least in Utah?) as adult leaders, we have a tendency to want the kids to conform. I’m not talking about the church standards here, I’m talking about things like activities and behavior. Katie didn’t want to go to the dance at Youth Conference. She was away from home, waaay out of her comfort zone, and she’s never been to youth dances and doesn’t think she’ll like them. A few things:

1.      Yes, she had to go because that’s where everyone would be and she couldn’t exactly stay in her dorm.

2.      Yes, she should do hard things, absolutely. Definitely. And I constantly encourage her to do so.

3.      Yes, it is good for us to get out of our comfort zone and try new things.

That being said, how we handle kids who are different needs to be addressed. As well as realizing, as with my rock-repelling story, that there is a time and a place for growth. It doesn’t have to be determined by you when someone else is ready to grow.

As an aside, it really doesn’t help that her two best friends moved out of the ward and out of the town a few years ago, leaving her basically alone in the ward.

Katie has leaders who are absolutely trying to do the best thing for her and who love and care about her. However. Instead of pressuring her and telling her all the reasons she should like something or should do something, it would really be nice if someone would just say, “you know, I can see that you really don’t want to do this. This stuff can be really uncomfortable. I’m sorry you have to go, maybe you’ll have a better time than you think.” Or something like that.

She texted me that she’s sure I’ll hear about it because she didn’t mean to be rude but she was being talked to about the dance and one of the leaders kept touching her arm and my dear Katie doesn’t like that, and she finally said something like “you’re really stressing me out right now!” and had to go outside and have a good cry. This, friends, is a panic/anxiety attack. They didn’t mean to push her into that, and they probably don’t even realize that is what happened, but Katie is an even bigger introvert than I was at her age, and has massive anxiety and that is what happens. She didn’t mean to be rude, but I’m sure it seemed rude. And maybe she was rude. I wasn’t there.

The way we treat kids who are different, the misfits, needs to change. We need to stop trying to force them into a mold. We need to love them AS THEY ARE and stop and think about how the Savior would handle the situation. We need to change ourselves a little bit.

Not everyone understands what it’s like to have anxiety and panic attacks. Not everyone understands what it’s like to not feel like anyone likes you in this group you’re forced to be with. Many people don’t know what it’s like to be “different”. Katie, like I was before her, is different. She doesn’t always smile, she doesn’t always say the right thing or get excited about the “normal” things. She runs on a low energy level that I can’t explain- she gets that from her dad—and she is difficult to really get to know. I get it. She, like me, sometimes overreacts to physical stimuli—loud music, flashing lights, confrontation, touch, etc.

I need to figure out how to say what I’m thinking here. What would be a better way to handle her? Don’t handle her. Love her. Take her aside, one on one (don’t gang up on her), and quietly explain that she can’t stay alone in the dorms, so she does have to go to the church with everyone else, but that she can probably take it at her own pace and see if she can find a friend to dance with or see if she can hang out in the hall if it’s uncomfortable or something. 

Yes, it’s good to push ourselves out of our comfort zones. Yes, it’s good to do hard things. But it’s not a church leader’s job to decide when and where those things happen. It’s their job to offer opportunities and love the kids as they are.

I’m very worried about Katie ending up with the world’s misfits and leaving the church because she doesn’t feel like she has a place here. Like she doesn’t fit in, so she’ll go find people who will accept her as she is. She’ll look for a “tribe” and she’ll find it. They’re out there. For young rebellious men in inner cities, there are gangs. For quirky girls who don’t fit in at church, there will be groups who feel oppressed by the church’s standards and would LOVE someone like Katie. There are places she will go if she doesn’t find her place here and that terrifies me.

The world is full of people telling young folks they don’t have to conform or fit in. Maybe the church needs a little more acceptance and a little less conformity. I’m not talking about sin—I’m talking about basic things. These kids need to feel accepted just as they are. The quiet kid or the kid who talks too much. The kid who is gangly and awkward, the kid with greasy hair, the kid with wrinkled clothes, the kid who doesn’t have any friends, the kid who doesn’t smile, the autistic kid, the undiagnosed issues kid. They need to feel like they matter in this place and time. Telling them that only goes so far. We have to show it. We need to listen and not just lecture. We need to love and care about where they are and not just push them to be where we think they should be.

Does this make any sense? I don’t know. I’m just so worried.

Thoughts on Being Mormon: The One Thing I Can Give God

Thoughts on Being Mormon: The One Thing I Can Give God

Mosiah 4:22 says “And if ye judge the man who putteth up his petition to you for your substance that he perish not, and condemn him, how much more just will be your condemnation for withholding your substance, which doth not belong to you but to God, to whom also your life belongeth; and yet ye put up no petition, nor repent of the thing which thou hast done.”

Thoughts on Being Mormon: 2 Nephi and Consecration

These thoughts are a little disorganized, but I know what I'm thinking:

I noticed several uses of the word “consecrate” in this week’s reading of 2 Nephi, chapters 1-8. Here are the ways it is used:

“The Lord hath consecrated this land for…thy seed”

“He shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain.”

Nephi “did consecrate Jacob and Joseph…[as] priests and teachers”

Jacob speaks of “having been consecrated”

“This land is consecrated unto him whom he shall bring”

“May the Lord consecrate also unto thee this land”

Because it jumped out at me, I looked up the definition in the dictionary.

con·se·crate

verb

1. make or declare (something, typically a church) sacred; dedicate formally to a religious or divine purpose.

"the present Holy Trinity church was consecrated in 1845"

• (in Christian belief) make (bread or wine) into the body or blood of Christ.

"they received the host but not the consecrated wine"

• ordain (someone) to a sacred office, typically that of bishop.

"in 1969 he was consecrated bishop of Northern Uganda"

synonyms:

sanctify, bless, make holy, make sacred;

     So when the scriptures speak of the land being consecrated, I take that to mean that it is dedicated as sacred, for a divine purpose. And when a person is described as being consecrated, it means he has been set apart, blessed, and made sacred through ordination. The consecration of the American continent for divine purpose is an important historical event. Many current residents of the United States know that it is a special place, but feel that white European-descended Americans ought to feel guilty because of the scourging of the Native American people who were “here before us.” While I sympathize with what those people went through, and I do feel that they were discriminated against, and abused, murdered, and their lands were plundered, it’s equally important to recognize God’s hand in what happened. In order for the Gospel to be restored, Europeans had to settle this land. And in order for that to happen, the native peoples had to either share, or be destroyed. In reading the prophesies of the Book of Mormon, we learn that it was inevitable that they would be moved (or killed), to make room for the “white man” to settle. This is because they had turned away from God, from Jesus Christ, and had fulfilled the prophesies given to Lehi and Nephi so early on in the Book of Mormon. Tragic though it was, it had to happen.

        Likewise, in order for the Children of Israel to return home, someone will have to be moved out of Israel, I imagine. More and more, I’ve been thinking about how we are in the end days, and this has yet to happen. The ten tribes are still “lost”, but I think it will be fascinating to learn just where some of our ancient European forbears came from. If some of them started out in Northern Israel, and were carried away and eventually scattered, my Irish ancestors could have descended from ancient Israelites. Maybe. We just don’t know. But I find it intriguing to think about.

Notes on Being Mormon: Charity,The Pure Love of Christ

I've spent some time pondering and studying charity, and I've reached a few conclusions that I hope you agree are worth consideration. 

Notes on Being Mormon: What I've Learned From Joseph in Egypt

I've spent much of my life intimately acquainted with the story of Joseph and the multi-colored coat and his being sold by his brothers and eventually ending up as 1st assistant to the Pharoah of Egypt. When I was a teenager, my dad gave me the soundtrack to the musical "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat", which is surprisingly true to the scriptural account, and I was hooked. I was even able to perform in the show twice- once in High School, and again in community theater. So, I know the story pretty well. 

Notes on Being Mormon: Studying the Scriptures

source: saltandlighttv.org

I'm not a young duckling anymore, and I probably should have mastered the skills required to truly study the scriptures years ago, but... I haven't. Much of my scripture reading is just that: reading. I push through my fatigue, my busy-ness, my anxiety to get to the next thing, and I read some stuff. Then I get on with my day. 

This is not enough, though. I need more, and that means I need to DO more.

Anxiety Adventures: Social Anxiety is a THING

Many people don't understand social anxiety. Non-affected folks seem to think we uber-introverted, socially phobic people ought to just "get over it" or "not let it bother" us, or worst of all they say "it's not that big of a deal". We know. It's irrational. That's what makes it anxiety/phobia.

Here's the situation we're discussing this week. Our Home Teacher (for non-Mormons, this is a fellow church member who has an assignment to check in with our family each month and share a gospel message and check to see if we are in need of anything) sent my husband an email the other day. Instead of the normal "can we come visit you on such-and-such day", it said, "We've decided that December 3 will be the day for home teaching next month. We're going to meet at Jim's (restaurant) with two other couples at 6:00 for dinner, I'll pick you and your wife up." (I'm paraphrasing). 

My husband, Kriss, doesn't get off work until 7:00 p.m., at the earliest. This time of year, his quitting time varies greatly. So he told the HT this. The HT, not the least bit discouraged, said, "We'll meet at 7:00, then. Tell your wife that so-and-so will pick her up and you can just meet us there when you get off work." I'm trying not to freak out.

This is how my husband views the situation: 

• mildly uncomfortable
• can't get out of it
• it won't kill us

This is how I view it:

• I haven't been given a choice
• I won't have a car-- no escape route
• Kriss might not even make it until 8 or later, if the store is extra busy that night
• I'm not even friends with these couples-- I like them, we're friendly, but not hang-out-together friends. 
• Just over a year ago... or was it 2 years? My nephew got married, and at the dinner, a few different conditions conspired to severely trigger my anxiety: I was very high-strung about being on time, but the time got changed and Kriss made me go shopping because he thought we had all this time, but we didn't; when we arrived, dinner had already begun (we were the last to arrive-- the opposite of my normal life); my siblings were all sitting together laughing and hadn't saved my husband and me seats; I had to sit with strangers. I sat down and had the strangest panic attack- my heart was pounding, and my eyes started crying, and I couldn't stop them. Then I was embarrassed to be sitting at this table full of strangers, holding my breath, trying not to cry. I couldn't taste the food. Kriss asked what was wrong, and I thought I would melt into a puddle and die. I told him just to ignore me, please, I'll be okay, and he socialized and ate and picked up the slack for me. My point in sharing this is that the memory of this occurrence makes me think that something similar is likely to happen at the home teaching dinner thing and Kriss won't be there to save me and I'll have to just die alone.
• I don't think there's enough Xanax in the world to make me enjoy such a dinner.

So what do we do? We don't know. We haven't figured it out yet. I think I'll just tell them not to come get me, that I'll just come with Kriss when he gets off work. 

Kriss thinks I'm being ridiculous. (He's nice, so he doesn't say this, but he does say other things that indicate it!) So this is how I explained social anxiety to him:

1. Imagine you have to sing a solo in front of a group of professional musicians (this only works if you aren't a professional musician).
2. The song you have to sing is difficult, and though you've worked hard on it, you still squeak on the high notes and miss the low notes. 
3. You can't catch your breath.
4. Stage fright beyond your ability to control grips your whole body-- squeezing your heart and pressing on your lungs.
5. Did I mention you're naked in this scenario?

That's about how it feels. 

So, extroverted, outgoing, friendly and (frankly) pushy people-- have patience with those of us who aren't like you. It's not that I don't like people-- I do! It's not that I don't like to socialize-- I do, in situations I feel safe in. And it's not that I can't "control" my anxiety. I've spent most of my life pushing it down and suffering through situations that made me uncomfortable. However, as I've gotten older, my anxiety has gotten a lot worse. I never had a panic attack before the last 5 years. That being the case, I think a little leeway would be nice, here. 

So. Tell me what you think? How should I handle this situation?

Back to School

Short version: Me + College = Yay!

Long version: I've been taking the occasional odd class at the University of Utah on and off for something like 9 years now. A few years ago, I worked as an Americorps literacy aide, and one of the ways they "pay" you for that job is with a grant for college, but with a few strict rules. The grant is only a couple thousand dollars; you have to use it within 7 years of ending your Americorps service; you can't gift it to your child unless you're over 50 (I think) and you have to jump through a couple of hoops to get it.

Notes on Being Mormon: Out of the Mouths of Babes

Quick caveat for any who don't realize this: What I'm writing here is pure conjecture- not doctrine. Our opinions and speculation are just that. Maybe inspired, but don't assume I'm speaking for the church. I'm not.

Sometimes my family actually manages to have scripture study together. Hooray for us, we read together tonight and then had a discussion that went from interesting to profound, thanks to my children.

We read Helaman 5 tonight. Feel free to go read it. I'll wait.

Notes on Being Mormon: Lehi's Dream

Recently, Lehi's Dream has been on my mind a lot. I keep thinking, "Where am I?" Meaning, although I think I'm at the tree, having partaken of the ordinances and blessings of the gospel, am I standing there today? 

by Damir Krivenko

In Which My Son Learns That Parenting is HARD!

Yesterday, I took my kids to the local amusement park, Lagoon, with a cousin and a friend, and dropped them off. 

I was very nervous about this. My daughter will be 13 and son will be 16 next week, so I kept telling myself they are old enough to handle this. And I can't really ride thrill rides anymore, so it wasn't worth the $40 ticket to accompany them. This is what they wanted for their birthdays-- to take a friend and spend a day at Lagoon.

Notes on Being Mormon: Opinions, Love, and Truth

In the light of the very public surgical and medical transformation of a famous man into a famous woman, lots of opinions and declarations and words are being thrown around. I don't really want to address the issue of trans-genderism or the current societal popular opinion that gender is fluid. 

Anxiety Adventures #14: Free At Last

The experiment with Venlafaxine is finally, FINALLY over. 

It took me forever and forever to taper slowly enough to not have mind-bending headaches, but I'm on my second day with no Venlafaxine, and I feel good. In fact, I feel slightly less fatigued than I have during the weeks of tapering. Yay!

Anxiety Adventures #13: Meds Meds Meds

It's been a while since I wrote anything, so here's an update. I'm slowly tapering off Venlafaxine. Two days ago, I forgot to take my pill before I left the house. I live about 40 minutes from Salt Lake City, and I was heading there when I realized I'd forgotten. Suppressing panic, I told myself I could make it there and back before I felt the repurcussions. I was right, but shortly after returning home I felt overwhelmingly tired and dizzy. Unbelievably, it took me two more hours to realize I still needed to take my dang pill. The rest of the day was spent laying on the couch, trying to calm my brain. I couldn't concentrate, had trouble focusing (mentally and physically) and was so dizzy I couldn't really do anything. It's outrageously frustrating to lose an entire day because of missing one little pill!

2014: The Year in Review

This is mostly for my personal use in the future, because I can barely remember what happened last week without checking my calendar, and one day I might wonder, "What year did I actually, in fact, lose my mind?" and I can skim through my blogs and hopefully find it. The date, not my mind. That's long gone.

Anxiety Adventures #12: Back to Square One?

It's been almost a year since I started taking 17.5 mg of Venlafaxine (Effexor) for my anxiety, and at first it was great-- it seemed to really help a lot. Then it didn't anymore. About 6 months in, I talked to my doc and she suggested increasing the dosage to 37.5 mg, so I went with that. 6 more months have passed and guess what? Yep. Tolerance, so it's not working anymore. 

Adult Tonsillectomy: My Day by Day Recovery Journal

Some of these entries were, admittedly, written while I was on pain meds, so if I sound less lucid or articulate than normal, that's why. :)

Day 0.5- Pre-Op Jitters

from http://joejackphotography.com/

I haven't written anything in a long time. I have a few excuses, but the truth is that summer vacation has made me lazy and unmotivated. I have accomplished a few things, though. Things like watching all of "Bates Motel" and "Fargo" and reading a handful of books; staying up late and sleeping in and cooking on the barbecue. You know, summer stuff.

And I've had my first bout of insomnia (which is really fun; you should try it) and late-night anxiety due to a low-simmering terror over my impending tonsillectomy. 

Which is why I'm writing now. I figured I would start a post about my surgery and document my experience for anyone else planning or preparing to have this surgery done-- especially as an adult. If you're not interested, that's cool. We can still be friends. 

Day 0.5: Pre-Op Procedures:

The hospital called yesterday to let me know they would be calling today with my surgery time. Which just served to make me anxious. She also mentioned no food/drink after midnight (standard procedure) and then she said something that has given me pause: "wear loose fitting, comfortable clothes that can be easily taken off and put on."

from gownies.com

Last night, I realized this means that I will be forced to remove all of my clothes (ALL of them, people!) and put on a hospital gown (Why do they call it a gown? It's a thin piece of fabric, people, not a prom dress.) before my surgery, during which I will be completely sedated and naked, remember, and completely unaware of what's what. Then I will wake up, still nude, and have to have my husband help me get dressed!! Anyone who knows me well knows that I'm modest to a fault. I don't like any extra skin showing, I don't like to attract attention to my body, I don't even wear shorts in public anymore, people! I think I'm now more nervous about the public nudity (under a gown, I know, but STILL) than the surgery. So, thanks, LDS Hospital, for helping out there. 

My husband Kriss said it's so that when I flatline on the table the doctor can revive me. He thinks he's funny.

As I said, I've been experiencing some pre-operation insomnia and anxiety, so that's been fun. I'm looking forward to sleeping for a couple of days while taking heavy-duty painkillers. Though, I'm NOT looking forward to the liquid diet. I love food. I really love eating food. I'm going to be very lonely for food...

Today, I'll be doing a few errands to get ready. I'll be buying more pebble ice from the grocery store (the butcher has it, who knew?), as well as lots of soft, baby-like foods. I'll also be writing down how to make a good strawberry smoothie. And I'll be cleaning the family room and bathroom that will be used post-op to recover. 

I also need to buy freezer bags and/or a refillable ice pack, so I'm prepared for all the cold treatment I'll require. I've read that it's good to ice the throat and ears the first couple of days to reduce pain and swelling. Goody. 

Here we go.

EDITED: I forgot to mention that my doctor is a specialist in the newer Coblation method, which uses a radio frequency and saline solution at room temperature rather than a scalpel or the more popular electro-cauterize at 400 degrees method. Supposedly the recovery (especially the first 3 days) is MUCH better with Coblation, as there is a lot less tissue damage, etc. Just keep that in mind as I whine and fuss. It could be worse.

Surgery and Recovery: Day 1

I am finally lucid enough to type up a short update. I had my surgery today around Noon, and now it's 6:30. Odd how long anesthesia hangs around... I still feel dizzy (mostly because I just used the bathroom and sat back down) and a little loopy, so please excuse any grammatical or spelling or punctuation errors in this post. I'm not 100% focused.

I got to the hospital at 10:30 and signed in and waited...

Then I got weighed and such by a nurse, who took us to a room and told me to put on hospital issue pajama bottoms, remove everything from the waist up (she said it's so they can attach a heart monitor-- I guess Kriss wasn't too far off in his joke) and put on the standard so-called "gown". 

Then we waited some more...

Soon another nurse came in and caused me a ridiculous amount of pain putting an IV into my hand. I didn't know getting an IV could hurt that much! IV's I've had in the past didn't, so maybe I was just hyper sensitive today. I didn't cry, though, and the pain settled into being tolerable discomfort after a bit.

The only selfie you'll see of me pre-surgery. The IV of Pain.

Then we waited longer... like a half hour.

Finally, a tech came and had me sit on a different rolly bed, and took me on a tour of the hospital. I swear, we went down every hallway there. Then, he left me in a hallway. With the bed cage sides up, in case I decided to make a run for it. I think I sat there for about 20 minutes. Fortunately, all the employees at this hospital are very nice and many stopped to ask me if I was warm enough and would I like another blanket. Still, I was bored. 

Eventually, my surgeon came by and reassured me, mentioned that I would have a very sore throat (duh).Shortly after he disappeared, the young, pretty, lady anesthesiologist arrived and explained what she would be doing, then she gave me something to relax me and wheeled me into the operating room. 

Looking up at the ceiling's collection of UFOs, I felt like I was on a TV show or something. At one point, before I slipped into blackness, I realized they had STRAPPED ME DOWN. My legs were under a strap and the nurse sweetly asked me to lay my arms down by my sides one at a time, and she proceeded to gently wrap something around them. Luckily, I didn't have a chance (or the inclination) to panic, because believe me, I WOULD HAVE. I'm not okay with being strapped down while conscious. 

* * *

The next thing I knew I was awake and very anxious and crying. Yep. I'm a crier, including during my coming-out-of-anesthesia experience. I then felt embarrassed that I was crying. The nurse with me was very kind and understanding, and she gave me something for my anxiety (I don't know what), and then my throat hurt, so she brought me some ice which was like HEAVEN. You know how you can't eat or drink after midnight then night before surgery? It been like 14 or more hours since I had a decent drink of water and I was so thirsty! And pepple ice? The best thing ever. (Which my dear friend Nancy and I called "deer poo ice" because... you figure it out.)

Once I stopped crying and dozing, and I was good and iced up, I got to go to a recovery room where my husband joined me. Talking to him about how I felt made me tear up again, so I concentrated on eating all the pebble ice in the hospital instead.

And then we checked out and came home. 

My throat hurts, but not horrifically. I'd say about a level 2 (out of 10) constantly and a 5 when I swallow. It feels like a bad case of Strep or a horrible cold today. 

I KNOW IT'S GOING TO GET WORSE

But I'm hoping that it will be manageable. I have an ice pack from the hospital that my hubby keeps refilling for me-- I'm keeping it tied around my chin against my throat (I look like I have mumps) and I'm drinking loads of ice-filled water and it seems to be helping keep the pain to a minimum.

I set a timer and I'll be taking my meds every 4 hours like clockwork; I'm chewing gum now that I'm done eating (oh my gosh, watermelon is the tastiest thing I think I've ever had-- thank you to the neighbor who brought my family dinner, because watermelon turned out to be SO much yummier than applesauce!!); and I will be icing, icing, icing for at least the next two days as well. It does hurt when I talk too much, so I'm doing a lot of gesturing to get people to come closer so I can whisper to them. This is very odd. I need a bell or something to get their attention in the first place...

The verdict? So far so good.

Oh, and my doctor told my husband that taking out the evil traitor tonsils was a good move. He said they were riddled with pockets filled with bacteria and that I will absolutely benefit from having taken them out. I like to have my decisions validated-- especially in something like this where you might not ever know...

And as soon as I was home and settled in the recliner, my daughter's sweet kitty came to find me and snuggle on my lap for a while. Made my day. 

Holly, my lap kitty.

Day 2

I spent last night in my husband's recliner and woke up about every hour to use the bathroom, as well as whenever my iPad alarm went off to keep me on my schedule for pain meds. I don't want to get behind on them, because they seem to be doing the job, so although I'm super tired today, it's worth it.

I've also been icing my neck a lot, and I think that (in addition to drinking loads of icy water) has helped prevent severe swelling in my throat. 

from EmaCartoon.com

So far, so good. I'm anticipating that tomorrow will be the worst, if the internet is correct-- everyone says day 3 was the most horrible. At the risk of jinxing myself, I haven't really had any pain above a level 3. I'm shocked by this, and very grateful. My throat feels about like I have Strep. Which is ironic, since that's kind of what started this whole thing... 

I am feeling super loopy and tired, though. I'm sure the combination of not sleeping for more than an hour at a time and the pain meds and the less-than-adequate caloric intake are all contributing to the feeling of light-headedness. Since I'm not in severe pain, though, I don't mind. I'm just resting and letting my kids take care of me (Kriss had to work today, but will be off for the next 3.) 

I've been able to eat okay today-- I had half of a very soft hamburger bun in the night with my meds (it took me like 20 minutes to eat it!) and today I've had oatmeal and watermelon and popsicles and an orange ice cream bar. It's tricky finding things I can eat that won't tear up my throat that are filling and taste good. Soft foods are so boring!

And that's today's update... not much to say. 

Days 3 & 4

Day 3-
Rumor has it that day 3 is the usually the worst day when recovering from a tonsillectomy. So, in anticipation of this, I was prepared for severe pain and misery. Imagine my shock when I woke up this morning without any pain in my throat! My uvula is swollen, which is very... ODD, and I have some soreness still in the back of my throat, but it's mild and tolerable.

The day is almost over now, and I haven't had above a level 1 pain in my throat all day. I am very weak and tired, due to the continued combination of waking up every few hours for meds all night long and the meds themselves making me loopy, but I'm looking forward to tapering back the meds beginning tomorrow if I am still in the low-pain area. 

I feel very blessed to not be totally miserable today. Whatever the reason is, I'm happy for it. I have spent the day being visited by family members bearing treats and flowers, and resting a lot. I have similar plans for the next two days, as well. 

I may have over-done it talking today, since I had visitors, so I might have to ice my neck again tonight, if it feels extra uncomfortable, but if not, I stopped using the ice packs last night and I hope I won't need them anymore. I'm still drinking icy water constantly, which is like icing it from the inside. 

UPDATE-
Day 4:
Today hasn't been too bad, uncomfortable; not especially painful, but as the day has progressed, it has gotten slightly worse. I think this is because I cut my prescription pain meds to the smaller dosage today. I'm still taking my ibuprofen, and I'm not miserable, but there is some notable discomfort. My uvula is still swollen (ick) and my body still feels weak and sick, so I'm just resting and taking it easy. 

I'm still feeling grateful that my pain hasn't been unbearable. I haven't been in agony at all since the surgery, and I haven't really suffered. I consider myself very lucky!

Days 5, 6 & 7

Day 5- Pain again. I woke up this morning in quite a lot of pain in my throat and all over the back of my mouth (I'm not sure what they stuck and jabbed around my mouth with, but it's left behind some soreness!) My uvula is still swollen, and it hurts when I talk, yawn, or swallow. Fun times. I'm back on full meds and ice packs all the time.

I was hoping that since the pain yesterday had lessened, that it was a sign of healing happening, but I guess the normal routine is to feel better for a day or two and then to have more days of pain and misery.

Truthfully, though, I haven't had as much pain as I expected, so I'm trying not to complain. But I'm not a very patient patient. I don't want to feel better then worse then better then worse before being 100% better. 

I will manage, though. 

Day 6- OUCH! I have had a lot more pain today than any day since my surgery. I'm annoyed by the need to take the full dose of pain medication, because it makes me so tired and dizzy and light-headed. I don't like having to spend day after day after day just resting and sitting here. Normally, I would look forward to time spent relaxing and resting, but this is boring and frustrating. Not to mention that I'm in a lot of pain.

Day 7- Lots of pain again today-- on and off. I'm taking the max doses of both my prescription and ibuprofen, and that seems to help. I had to take my daughter to the doctor today-- she's got Strep Throat (good timing, eh?) so I had to function a little bit, and it was probably good for me to get out of the house for a minute. The pain levels today ranged from a 1 to a 4 or 5. It was pretty painful this morning. Tomorrow marks one week since surgery, so I hope it also marks the beginning of the downhill slide into healing.  

Days 8, 9 & 10

Day 8: Shoot me now. I have been in such horrible pain today and I'm running low on meds, so I'm taking just one pill at a time instead of 2, and it hurts. So so so hurts. Tonight, while doing the salt water rinse, I spit out some phlegm and there was blood. So I switched to cold water and gargled and spit a few more times, and there was some blood. I also horked out something nasty, which I can only assume was one of my scabs. I won't describe it. It was really disgusting.

Since there was some blood (even just a small amount) I decided to stop taking ibuprofen for a while until I was sure it wasn't going to continue bleeding. 

And I paid for it. Such horrible, sharp pain in my throat. And one of my ears has begun to ache, just a little. I can barely feel it, though. I'm back to icing my neck as much as possible and mostly just sipping ice water. I hardly ate anything today at all.

Day 9: More of the same. My throat is killing me, my ear is a little bothered, and I'm beginning to wonder if I will ever be done with this ordeal. Having pain day after day after day, and not sleeping in my bed, and waking up in the night to take pain meds, and SITTING AROUND all day every day for over a week is rather depressing. I feel discouraged and frustrated and angry and mostly miserable. 

I haven't had any more bleeding today, so I'm going to add ibuprofen back in tonight. Also, I called and was given a partial refill on my pain meds, which should get me through the last few days of agony.

Lord help me, I hope it works.

Something else unpleasant, but common following surgery: I did experience some constipation-- I didn't have a "movement" for a whole week, so I started taking a stool softener the evening of day 7. Yesterday evening and into today, things seem to be slowly returning to normal in that area... 

Day 10: Still very painful. So very painful. Miserable. My dear friend Nancy sent me some beautiful flowers that arrived today and helped cheer me up, though. I'm so tired of being in pain and sitting and sleeping in this stupid recliner. I'm so tired of not doing anything. I did get up and clean one room and wash one load of laundry, but then I needed to sit/lay back down and rest. Nice. I feel like a feeble old lady! So frustrating.

Day 11

Ugh. Still hurts a lot. Still feeling tired and lazy and bored and annoyed. I feel like there is something jammed in my throat that I can't clear-- I'm not trying too hard, it's very sore back there and still scabby, so I don't want to hurt the tender area by coughing hard or anything, but it's like an itch I can't scratch. 

If I accidentally miss a dose, even if I'm only 1/2 hour late, I can feel it. Bad. Especially since there's no way I can not talk. I have a family-- I have to talk. 

So, although I feel better overall, my throat still hurts. Especially when I wake up for my meds. And I'm still sleeping in the stupid recliner. Probably will be for another couple of nights. 

But I'll get better.

Any day now...

Day 12

Early:

On Friday and Saturday (days 9 and 10), due to an increase of pain, I don't think I ate at all, just lots of ice water. Sunday looked like it would be the same, too painful for even eggs and if I have to eat pudding or jello one more time I will die in protest. 

At some point, though, as I stared forlornly into the pantry, I noticed a Box of muffin mix. I mentioned to Kriss that I thought I could eat a nice, soft muffin. Shortly after, I smelled them baking. That is a good husband. He even slathered two with butter and brought them to me while they were warm. Soft enough to swallow with minimal pain, and SO delicious... Blueberries are good for me, too, so BONUS! 

Had a nightmare, woke up at 1:00 am Monday morning, grateful for my pain meds alarm, tasted blood, so I grabbed the flashlight and had a look. I noticed blood in the healing area, (just a tiny bit) and got all worried and worked up so I had to do some reading to make sure I was still healing normally. Now I'm wide awake and not sure what to do about it. I'm beginning to feel like this ordeal will NEVER end...

On the left side, just a tiny, bright red spot -- not oozing or anything. On the right, a dark red spot (small, but bigger than the other side), with a small line trailing down. I can't see well enough to tell how long the streak is. At first, I worried that it is oozing, but after gargling ice water, sucking ice cubes, and sipping ice water for about 30 minutes, the spot-line is still there, but I'm not spitting any blood now, nor did it visibly change. I suspect it's a small clot, and it just has a tail. It's darker than fresh, bright blood. Fingers crossed. I REALLY don't want to take a trip to the ER. Ever.

In my reading it looks like some bleeding is common when the scabs come off, and it looks like they are almost completely gone tonight. 

For days I've peeked back there and seen much white nasty coating, but now it's mostly a tender red color. My uvula is slightly smaller, but still swollen. Which is a ridiculous experience. Currently, because of the sipping, probably, my pain is pretty low. I kind of dread going back to sleep, though, because I don't like waking up and taking that first conscious swallow to gauge how horrible the day will be.

I realize I'm in the home stretch; this is the last worst part. Once the scabs are gone, if there are no complications, I'm home free. Right? I'm really looking forward to that glorious moment when I wake up for meds and DON'T NEED THEM. 

I'm so done with this experience.

In the meantime, I've found some shows on Netflix that I've missed out on, not having cable. "Dog Whisperer" made me realize how amazing some people are, namely Cesar Milan. I doubt I will ever be like he is with dogs. Whatshisname who helps people on "My Cat From Hell" has simultaneously made me feel like it's okay to obsessively love my kitties, while also making me feel bad about the old girl cat who lives in the yard and garage since she refuses her litter box. But I have some ideas to try to improve her life now. If I ever get better. And I started watching the Duggar family on what used to be 17 Kids and Counting. Wow. They are amazing, and their kids are remarkable! 

We've also watched every '80s comedy on Netflix that was suitable to show my kids (So, Beethoven, Honey I Shrunk the Kids, etc.) and the classic Cheaper By the Dozen and Close Encounters of the Third Kind. And loads of other movies. I've watched hours of YouTube videos and slept a lot. And I've even done a little reading, though not as kick as I would have thought-- mostly because Percocet is brain-fuzzing.

Time to go back to sleep. Hopefully no more nightmares and in the morning hopefully I will wake to a miracle of swallowing normally...

Later:

Let's play "What's Making Me Super Dizzy Today?  Is it- 
A- The fact that I probably only slept about 4 hours total last night and that was broken up into smaller chunks of time
B- I stopped taking prescription meds this morning and I'm sticking to that good old Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen rotation. 
C- I had to get up and drive people around today and then get up a bunch more times to help my daughter excavate her room to find items to take to camp tomorrow, even though I should still be on "bed rest".
D- Loss of sanity from all this "resting"
E- All of the above

I have HAD ENOUGH.

This morning I stopped the prescription meds because I realized the pain wasn't any worse just on IB and AC, and that's a good step in the right direction, but I don't care. It doesn't make me feel any better.

I look around and my house is a mess, there's no food in the fridge and my poor hubby has to come home and figure out dinner AGAIN and I'm beginning to have panic attacks about money and the lack thereof and then the van won't start?? I'm losing my mind. 

I suppose it's interesting that I'm feeling depressed enough that everything is starting to look bleak and hopeless. Maybe tomorrow will be the day that I wake up with no pain and I will feel like a miracle has happened.

But when will I get my strength back? I'm so weak and exhausted.

I keep reading personal accounts online that say you aren't back to "normal" until 3 weeks post-op. Super. In the meantime, what isn't being done? What have I neglected or forgotten? 

OHMYGOSH. In this moment, I just realized why I'm probably feeling dizzy and weepy and sick. I forgot to take my anxiety meds this morning!!! GAH! It's 6:30 p.m.!!! CRAP. It's one of those meds that you can't miss a dose without feeling bad effects. I think I missed yesterday's dose, too!

Super.

Day 13

Dare I say "I think we've turned a corner?" Yes. I dare.

Although I don't feel anywhere near 100%, I feel much better than I have since this ordeal began. For one thing, my brain has stabilized, thankyouantianxietymeds, and for another, even though my throat still hurts, it's gone from mind-numbing, all-consuming torturous pain to a rather notable discomfort.

That's big.

So big, that I almost got out of bed and started doing lots of stuff today. 

Then I remembered reading stories of people who did just that on the first day they started feeling better and then paid for it by having their knees buckle under them while at the grocery store, or by having a much worse day the next. So I'm doing a few things, but mostly I'm still going to take it easy, so I can truly, fully recover. 

Last night, I slept in my bed instead of in the recliner. It took me a while to get settled and when I woke up at 4 a.m. for ibuprofen, my ears both ached a little, but now they feel fine. My pain in my throat level is probably only at a 1 or 2, and I'm still constantly sipping ice water to keep it there. I still have scabby areas and I'm not ready to eat those onion rings I've been craving, but soon. Soon soon soon.

I've been the recipient of such incredible love and generosity and kindness since my surgery, and I'm so very grateful to everyone who has brought in food and popsicles and sent or brought flowers an came to visit and especially for all the prayers on my behalf. I'm so glad I can finally see the light at the end of this ridiculously long tunnel. 

Source: http://www.altenergystocks.com/archives/bigstock-Light-At-The-End-Of-Tunnel-3470269.jpg

 Day 14

I slept in my bed again last night, but I woke up at 3:30 a.m. and after taking some ibuprofen, I couldn't go back to sleep. I laid there for an hour, finally gave up and went downstairs to the recliner. I didn't fall back asleep, though, so I spent some time on the internet and then I got up when the sun came up (the kitties were meowing to be let in) and did a few light tasks, such as paying a bill and sorting papers on my desk. I finally felt tired again around 8:00, so I slept for a couple more hours then. 

My throat hurts pretty badly again this morning. I really feel like this is never-ending! In spite of turning a corner yesterday, I'm still in pain and SO SICK OF BEING IN PAIN.

I'm a baby, I know. 

But seriously... can I be done now???

I do feel well enough to wash laundry (my husband will be so glad!) and a couple of other things. My kids have been really, incredibly good about doing all the cleaning and even some of the cooking these last two weeks. This is a blessing in disguise, because I've wanted them to share cooking duties for a long time and now they have proven to themselves that they CAN. 

Blech. I need to eat something. Wish me luck...

Same day... later:
I took a long, hot shower, made myself a piece of toast (I keep reading that toast is good for the last bit of healing? Helps the scabs slough off? Hope so...) and a strawberry smoothie. Yummy and I feel SO MUCH BETTER.

Still a little pain, but less now that I'm up and moving a little. Maybe I'll go out into the sun for a minute. Although, it's Utah summer, so it's in the mid 90's today, so maybe not... I'm not heat-tolerant. :)

Day 15

I feel like I've been on a 2 week vacation to Hell. But today, I'm almost home. 

I woke up at 5:30 this morning in quite surprisingly severe pain on one side, took some ibuprofen and grabbed an ice pack, and within 15 minutes of sipping ice water, I was much better. The rest of the day has had only minimal discomfort.
Guys, I ate pizza last night. And today? I had half a nasty hamburger from Burger King. I hate Burger King. I'm still fantasizing about Crown Burger's onion rings...

I have a TON more energy today than I have since the beginning, and although I could use a nap, I've gotten quite a bit done today. My daughter is at Young Women's camp and while she's gone we are hoping to paint her room for her. She was promised a bedroom makeover for her birthday and it's time to finish up that promise. I'm hoping to surprise her when she comes home on Saturday. Fingers crossed! Today I cleaned the room and vacuumed it and moved the furniture out of the way (it was a disaster, it really has taken me ALL DAY to clean it. With a short 2 hour-ish break in which I was supposed to be napping but instead I watched "Pretty in Pink" on Netflix. Ah, the '80's.

So, happy happy happy day. The left side of my throat still hurts a little; I'm still taking OTC pain meds as needed, but they are needed less and less. And I'm still sipping ice water almost constantly, but it isn't painful anymore.

I will be home soon.

Praise the Lord.

This may or may not be my final entry about this ordeal. If you're getting ready to go through it, I wish you luck and I would tell you to hang in there. It WILL get better. Eventually.

I wrote this while I was up early one morning, sipping ice water: 5 Things That are More Fun Than a Tonsillectomy 

and this on day 21: 10 Tips For Surviving Adult Tonsillectomy