Anxiety Adventures: Social Anxiety is a THING

Many people don't understand social anxiety. Non-affected folks seem to think we uber-introverted, socially phobic people ought to just "get over it" or "not let it bother" us, or worst of all they say "it's not that big of a deal". We know. It's irrational. That's what makes it anxiety/phobia.

Here's the situation we're discussing this week. Our Home Teacher (for non-Mormons, this is a fellow church member who has an assignment to check in with our family each month and share a gospel message and check to see if we are in need of anything) sent my husband an email the other day. Instead of the normal "can we come visit you on such-and-such day", it said, "We've decided that December 3 will be the day for home teaching next month. We're going to meet at Jim's (restaurant) with two other couples at 6:00 for dinner, I'll pick you and your wife up." (I'm paraphrasing). 

My husband, Kriss, doesn't get off work until 7:00 p.m., at the earliest. This time of year, his quitting time varies greatly. So he told the HT this. The HT, not the least bit discouraged, said, "We'll meet at 7:00, then. Tell your wife that so-and-so will pick her up and you can just meet us there when you get off work." I'm trying not to freak out.

This is how my husband views the situation: 

• mildly uncomfortable
• can't get out of it
• it won't kill us

This is how I view it:

• I haven't been given a choice
• I won't have a car-- no escape route
• Kriss might not even make it until 8 or later, if the store is extra busy that night
• I'm not even friends with these couples-- I like them, we're friendly, but not hang-out-together friends. 
• Just over a year ago... or was it 2 years? My nephew got married, and at the dinner, a few different conditions conspired to severely trigger my anxiety: I was very high-strung about being on time, but the time got changed and Kriss made me go shopping because he thought we had all this time, but we didn't; when we arrived, dinner had already begun (we were the last to arrive-- the opposite of my normal life); my siblings were all sitting together laughing and hadn't saved my husband and me seats; I had to sit with strangers. I sat down and had the strangest panic attack- my heart was pounding, and my eyes started crying, and I couldn't stop them. Then I was embarrassed to be sitting at this table full of strangers, holding my breath, trying not to cry. I couldn't taste the food. Kriss asked what was wrong, and I thought I would melt into a puddle and die. I told him just to ignore me, please, I'll be okay, and he socialized and ate and picked up the slack for me. My point in sharing this is that the memory of this occurrence makes me think that something similar is likely to happen at the home teaching dinner thing and Kriss won't be there to save me and I'll have to just die alone.
• I don't think there's enough Xanax in the world to make me enjoy such a dinner.

So what do we do? We don't know. We haven't figured it out yet. I think I'll just tell them not to come get me, that I'll just come with Kriss when he gets off work. 

Kriss thinks I'm being ridiculous. (He's nice, so he doesn't say this, but he does say other things that indicate it!) So this is how I explained social anxiety to him:

1. Imagine you have to sing a solo in front of a group of professional musicians (this only works if you aren't a professional musician).
2. The song you have to sing is difficult, and though you've worked hard on it, you still squeak on the high notes and miss the low notes. 
3. You can't catch your breath.
4. Stage fright beyond your ability to control grips your whole body-- squeezing your heart and pressing on your lungs.
5. Did I mention you're naked in this scenario?

That's about how it feels. 

So, extroverted, outgoing, friendly and (frankly) pushy people-- have patience with those of us who aren't like you. It's not that I don't like people-- I do! It's not that I don't like to socialize-- I do, in situations I feel safe in. And it's not that I can't "control" my anxiety. I've spent most of my life pushing it down and suffering through situations that made me uncomfortable. However, as I've gotten older, my anxiety has gotten a lot worse. I never had a panic attack before the last 5 years. That being the case, I think a little leeway would be nice, here. 

So. Tell me what you think? How should I handle this situation?

Anxiety Adventures #14: Free At Last

The experiment with Venlafaxine is finally, FINALLY over. 

It took me forever and forever to taper slowly enough to not have mind-bending headaches, but I'm on my second day with no Venlafaxine, and I feel good. In fact, I feel slightly less fatigued than I have during the weeks of tapering. Yay!

Anxiety Adventures #13: Meds Meds Meds

It's been a while since I wrote anything, so here's an update. I'm slowly tapering off Venlafaxine. Two days ago, I forgot to take my pill before I left the house. I live about 40 minutes from Salt Lake City, and I was heading there when I realized I'd forgotten. Suppressing panic, I told myself I could make it there and back before I felt the repurcussions. I was right, but shortly after returning home I felt overwhelmingly tired and dizzy. Unbelievably, it took me two more hours to realize I still needed to take my dang pill. The rest of the day was spent laying on the couch, trying to calm my brain. I couldn't concentrate, had trouble focusing (mentally and physically) and was so dizzy I couldn't really do anything. It's outrageously frustrating to lose an entire day because of missing one little pill!

Anxiety Adventures #12: Back to Square One?

It's been almost a year since I started taking 17.5 mg of Venlafaxine (Effexor) for my anxiety, and at first it was great-- it seemed to really help a lot. Then it didn't anymore. About 6 months in, I talked to my doc and she suggested increasing the dosage to 37.5 mg, so I went with that. 6 more months have passed and guess what? Yep. Tolerance, so it's not working anymore. 

Anxiety Adventures #10: Dreams

One of the potential side effects of Venlafaxine (which I'm still taking) is vivid dreams. They weren't kidding. I'm just hoping that one day I'll dream something I can use as the basis of the Great American Novel.

Without medication, I have odd or especially memorable dreams a handful of times each month. Sometimes I remember them, but usually they fade pretty quickly after I get up. Often, after a particularly exciting or emotional dream, when I go to bed the next night my mind seems to have a muscle memory of it or something. I will lay my head on the pillow and I can feel the dream from the night before, even if I don't remember the details. I'm weird, I know.

Anxiety Adventures Part 9: On Being an Introvert

Being An Introvert

This excellent article from the Huffington Post  lists 23 traits of an introvert, and, not surprisingly, every one of them is a trait I possess. I suppose that my introvertedness (introversion?) is exacerbated by my social anxiety. Or maybe vice versa. 

One thing really stands out to me: the need to be alone to "recharge".

Anxiety Adventures: Part 6: Amazement

I'm about a month into my medication and I have already felt a difference. It sort of dawned on me last Saturday that, although I could have laid down and taken a nap, I just... wasn't that tired. This is like a miracle for me. I have spent nearly every single day for the last 15 years desperately wishing I could take a nap. 

Anxiety Adventures: A Long Side Note

I was lying in bed this morning thinking about all the various non-medicinal self-help things I've tried over the years to improve my life and/or relieve physical ailments and such, and I realized I've given a bunch of things a try. (I hadn't recognized my anxiety for what it is when I did most of these, and obviously none of them solved THAT for me, because my anxiety gets worse every year...)

Anxiety Adventures: Part 5: Side Effects

It's been a couple of weeks now on my new anxiety meds, and I've done the step-up to the normal dose for someone my size (my doctor tells me I'm "petite", did I mention that? Yeah. She does. So I guess I must be!! Take that, scale!!) which is 75 or something mg. each day.

Anxiety Adventures: Part 4: Attention, Please!

Anxiety is a funny beast, especially when mixed together with my personality, which craves attention and interaction. I am torn between wanting people to pay attention to me and wanting to melt into the back of the room. I hate it when no one comes to sit by me, but sometimes I like to be alone. Often I want to say something important, but I also want to keep my mouth shut so no one will look at me. 

Anxiety Adventures: Part 3: The First Week

Well, I've had a full week on 37.5mg of Effexor and I've experienced no major adverse side effects. I have had some mild headaches, but it's hard to tell if they're my normal headaches or due to the meds. I have had some mild nausea when my stomach gets empty, and also a little taste of insomnia the last two nights, though. I'm hopeful it won't last. Because today started the 75mg pills.

Other than that, I have nothing to report. No real positive effects yet, but I understand it can take 4-6 weeks to really feel a difference. 

I got an appointment with a Rheumatologist, but they can't get me in until July(!) which is ridiculous, so it will be a long time before we find out if I have an autoimmune disorder/disease/issue,  I guess. Which is annoying. There doesn't seem to be much I can do about that, though.

So the first week is past and life is about the same as it has been. 

Anxiety Adventures: Part 2: Medication

Dear Friends: If your considered opinion is that I am wrong for taking medication to help with my anxiety symptoms, kindly skip this entry. Even well-meaning comments telling me that I'm making the wrong choice are not helpful at this point. My treatment decisions are between me, my doctor, my husband and my God. :)

This is the first time I've ever tried medicating my anxiety, so I think blogging about it to chronicle my experiences might be of value, not only to me, but to others considering medication.