Parenting Ideas: Bubble Bursting

Many years ago, I learned that I didn't need to be the one to "burst" my kids's "bubble" of hope and dreams for their futures, even if I saw them as unrealistic. 

My oldest son wanted to play in the NBA, when he was young-- say from age 5-14. We weren't as positive as we probably should have been. I think we said, "Oh! That would be fun, but it's really hard. Not many people get there. You can do it, but it's not going to be easy." I know... ouch. Life then taught him, beginning with Junior Jazz, then church ball and workouts with the high school teams, that basketball was not his path. He's not very tall, and although he's got great shooting skills, his anxiety and temper got in the way of him becoming a really great player. Which is okay. Luckily, he has been blessed with other interests and opportunities and he doesn't feel remorse over having to set aside his NBA dreams. 

from wallstcheatsheet.com

However, I feel like I shouldn't have begun teaching him what the world and life were about to teach him. Even if he's not good enough, I don't want to be the parent that says, "Oh, honey, that will never happen. You should give up that dream right now and focus on Waste Management." I should probably have said, "Wow! Good for you! I can't wait to see what you do!" And left it at that. The world was all ready and waiting to pop that dream bubble. I certainly didn't need to deflate it first.

My second son wants to be a computer programmer, my third son wants to work in filmmaking and my daughter wants to be an author. Having mentally told myself not to be the bubble deflater again, I haven't said anything about how difficult any of these jobs might be to attain. I have been positive and encouraging, and allowed them to pursue their interests. If they stink at what they want to do, future bosses, critics and co-workers will certainly tell them so. 

from preschooler.thebump.com

Maybe just getting out of the way is the best way parents can support their kids? If it doesn't work out, it isn't because we put doubt in their minds, but if it does, we will be able to smile and pat ourselves on the back for supporting their dreams all along.

I want my kids to be able to stand on the podium of achievement one day and say that their mom stood by them the whole way, that I always knew they could do it. And I want that to be the truth.

from the-flack.com

It's a tricky balancing act, though, like most things parents do. How do you encourage your kids without making the mistake of treating them as though they are a perfect cupcake of talent and can do no wrong? (This is one of my favorite articles on this topic.) 

I believe it's by giving them room to explore their interests, while calling them down for behaviors that are out of line. Expect great things, but also give them opportunities to work. 

Kids will understand that there will always be someone smarter, prettier, funnier, faster, taller, and better at _________ than them. However, I hope they are also learning that if they are diligent and righteous and dedicated, willing to work hard and start where they are (at the bottom, usually), they can achieve their dreams. Because they can. I really believe that.

And if I'm wrong, I will still be here, ready to stand by them during their next adventure.

So what do you think? 

Bathroom Psychosis

Preface: My son has Crohn's Disease, and every 8 weeks we go to the local children's hospital so he can sit on a bed and play video games for 4+ hours while I try to find ways to keep myself busy and not go stir crazy or get stiff joints from sitting for so long. The purpose of the 4+ hour visit is so they can stick a tube in his vein and pump him with meds that keep his body from tearing itself open from the inside. Good stuff. 

Good thing they outlined it in black. 

In hospital bathrooms, there is usually a thick, metal bar near the toilet (I can only assume that some people have a hard time lifting themselves up from the toilet. I really don't want to know.), and below or adjacent to the bar is a long, cord with a knob at the end. At our hospital, it's red, and where the cord comes out of the wall are three words: PULL FOR HELP. Whenever I'm in there, I have to control a compulsive impulse to yank that cord. Sometimes my hand actually twitches toward it when my eyes inevitably land on it.

Of course I don't need help and, frankly, I would collapse and DIE of embarrassment just knowing the I had lit up the nurses' station with the "Someone needs help in a bathroom" alarm. (Of course, then I would need help. But I would still be mortified. And dead.) 

If I didn't collapse, they would hurry down to the room only to find it empty and me bolting down the corridor, hiding behind my hair, (like the little girl in that scary movie I can't watch-- "The Ring", I think) never to return again.

I don't really understand this phenomenon. Why do I feel like I have to pull that cord? Is it because, on the whole, I always follow instructions? Is it because the print is in red and the cord is red and there is some level of authority that comes with the color red that makes me want to obey? I have to remind myself that it's not a command. It's NOT THE BOSS OF ME!

The double room. The bane of social anxiety sufferers.

My social anxiety is such that, when we have to share a room with another patient's family, I won't use the bathroom in the room. I will walk out of the treatment center, into the hospital at large, and use the public restroom in the hall. I just can't stand the thought of someone knowing that's what I'm doing on the other side of that wall. Especially since it involves both nudity and private parts, which are fine and dandy, as long as no one acknowledges MINE. I'm blushing just writing this. And I think I've forgotten the point of this paragraph...

Oh, yeah. The point is that I'm sure glad I've developed a massive amount of self-control over the years and I hope it never fails me. Because the world is just packed with buttons to push and boxes to open and signs commanding me to do all sorts of things that I don't actually want to do.

And that's just one small way I'm crazy, boys and girls. 

The End

Parenting Stuff Idea 2: Rules

Idea 2: Rules

from: BBC.co.uk

Parenting involves a lot of rules and limit-setting. It is necessary to have limits and guidelines for the children in your stewardship. Even God has rules, so naturally we parents of little mortals better have some. This can be extremely painful for you and your kids, or it can be loving and reasonable.

My Ongoing Quest for a Clean House and Well-Raised Children Continues

In an effort to include my children in the chores-and-housework process, rather than stomp my feet and throw things at them in anger over the house still being trashed and all the myriad electronic devices at my house being in use in spite of the trashed state of things, we had a family meeting last night. After some some silliness, (well, really lots of silliness- thank you teenage sons), some emotional outbursts (thank you 10-y.o. daughter...) and some actual conversation, we came up with what I hope will work for the next 7 weeks until school starts and we have to reassess the whole situation again. If it will be of any inspirational help to you in reorganizing kids' chores, here is what we decided:

Each child has been assigned a "zone"- one or two areas that they are responsible to make sure stay tidy and clean. Everyone shares the kitchen, and keeps their previous kitchen and dish assignments. The Zone Boss has the right, after a single, 5-minute proclamation (i.e. "I will be cleaning the front room in 5 minutes, please come get your stuff) to place any items left out by their siblings (anything, including laundry or favorite iPods or video games, etc.) into The Box, as it's known.

The Box is a large plastic container, in which I was placing abandoned items, which have to be ransomed out by the owners. This is an idea I found on Pinterest. Here is the blog belonging to the lady with the original idea. She is, by the way, hilarious. The ransom assignmentss are written on slips of paper in an envelope in the box, and include such things as:

• Sweep the back porch
• wash one window
• give mom a hug and tell her you're sorry for leaving your things out
• sing "Whistle While You Work" while you walk 3 laps around the yard
• Free Pass- lucky you!
• Write a haiku about a clean house

You get the idea. Some are silly, some are extra jobs, and a very few are freebies. Up until now, I was the only one allowed to place items in the box. So... it's about to get very interesting at my house.

I told them I very sincerely don't want to take away their electronic entertainment, their right to have friends over, their movie nights or any other privileges, but that if I come home and find the house trashed and everyone in front of a screen, that is probably what will happen.

Also, the kids are expected to do just a few other things before "playing", including reading 30-60 minutes, practicing piano, collecting eggs or feeding the cat, etc. and they still retain their Saturday chores, which no one likes, but they have to be done (bathroom stuff and vacuuming). If they actually do everything I'm asking them to, it will still only be a couple of hours, and considering they are laying around and/or playing for up to 16 hours each day, that's not too much to ask, is it?

Wish me luck... we'll see how well this new order works.

A Spoonful of Sugar. A Little Rant About the Kids Chores

This is much prettier than what my kids get. Crafty I'm not.

In my never-ending quest to be the "perfect" mom, I keep trying new motivational challenges to inspire my children to actually do the chores they have been assigned. I've tried lists. I've tried lists with points. I've tried websites. I've tried charts with checkboxes. I've tried charts with checkboxes in sheet protectors to use with dry erase markers. I've tried simplifying and fancifying. I've tried the magnet board with jobs they just move over when they're done (similar to the photo, only much, much simpler. Just a magnet board and words-- my kids are way too old for pictures to be effective). I've tried attaching chores to money. I've tried discussions and letting them share their input. I've tried end-of-the-week prizes. I've tried everything.

What works? None of those things. Our household has never really been one of rigid schedules and drill-sergeant control. I've also never been much of a "helicopter" parent- hovering and supervising my kids to death. I haven't taught them to really "manage" their time (they get so much of that at school that I figure home can be less scheduled). But I still have kids with decent to amazing grades (all their own work). And I still have well-behaved kids. And they do mostly get their chores done. The main requirement at our house is that chores are done before video games or TV is turned on, so the boys do theirs. My daughter is another story-- her chores only get done if someone actually walks along with her, pointing things out. She lives on another planet. I used to live there, too, so I totally understand. It's a day-dreamy, imaginative place, and I do feel bad drawing her out of it to do boring chores, but I worry that I'm raising a slob who won't be good at keeping house. Like... well, like me.

By golly, I'm a good mom after all. Thanks, random sign.

So what to do? I tend to just nag and nag until we're all tired, or I just ignore it and later I get upset that the electronic toys are all in use, but the house is still what I consider a mess. I can't seem to find a balance. Part of the problem is that I'm not here much anymore. Now that I work full time (and I know I talk about that a lot, as if it's a problem. Because it IS...) I'm not here to check and make sure the jobs are done before the iPod comes out or the TV goes on. They're on the honor system. And I don't want to start taking stuff away to force them into compliance. 

I need a so-called "natural" consequence. I'm considering not saying a word about chores for a full week. Maybe I won't do any, either. If my husband could stand it. We could see just how bad the house gets if no one is reminded or coerced or otherwise convinced to do chores, laundry, dishes, etc. Of course, that would be VERY hard to recover from. And would require more effort from me than just the daily nagging. Hmm...

Maybe what I need to do is come home from work fully expecting to have to gather the children around for a quick house-tidy-pickup and kitchen-job review each night. It wouldn't have to be miserable... just consistent.

Which is probably my entire problem. I'm inconsistent. Sometimes I'm so tired I just don't care about the house and other times it makes me crazy. Hormones fluctuate, moods shift, fatigue ebbs and flows and everything else is affected.

I don't want robot children, though. Nor do I want rebels. I have to find balance...

Time for another Family Home Evening conversation about sharing the housework responsibilities, I suppose. Maybe I could just ask them to list what work needs to be done and then they could decide who will do what... hmm... 

I thought this was just beautiful.

If only my children could wiggle their noses or wave their wands and march all their belongings back to their proper places. Of course, then their noses would be "too tired" or their wands would be misplaced and the house would still look a bit cluttered, a bit dusty and a lot lived in.

Parenting 101: A Visit to the Library

It's a relatively quiet Saturday afternoon in the library. Mom, acting as though she is there alone, and Toddler Girl (no older than 3) are wandering the stacks. Mom is in the movie aisles. Toddler Girl is looking for something more interesting to look at than Mom's calves. While searching for said interesting thing, Toddler Girl wanders farther and farther away from Mom, realizes this and begins calling, at megaphone-decibel volume, "Mo-om! Wheyaaaayoooo?" Adorable. But loud. She also stops by the Circulation Desk to show me her drawing and again at a shelf of Reference books to shift things around.

Besides the obvious noise issue, there is also a safety issue here that I shouldn't have to point out (but frequently do): little kids alone in public places are in danger from strangers. Even the library isn't necessarily a safe place. Anyone can come into a public building.

Mom, realizing *TG is being too noisy in the library begins hollering across the library in a just-lower-than-megaphone-decibel, overrought-Mom voice, "Tanny! You get over here! You want to check out a book? Get over here or you'll get nothing!" This is where I sigh. This continued for about 20 minutes, until Mom finally made her selection and tried to collect TG, who preferred wandering the library to standing with Mom at the Circ. Desk. Her last words to her daughter before checking out a movie for herself and a book for TG are, "You aren't getting anything, then!" After which, she turns to me and checks out a book for her.

I comment that TG is adorable, which she is, all tiny blond pigtails and sweet, high-pitched voice, little fingers and tiny toddler shoes. Mom tells me, "No she's not. She's just rotten." I sigh again, thinking Poor Toddler Girl.

Mom said to me, "We did the game**, she just lost the paper, does she get a sucker?"* in a moderately rude voice. I said, "Would she like to choose, or are you going to choose for her?" Thinking it's a good excuse to get TG back with Mom. She replied, "Just give me one. She doesn't deserve it anyway, but oh well." You can guess that she then grabbed TG roughly by the hand and dragged her out of the library. There are so many things wrong with these parenting choices...

This is a not-uncommon scenario in public places. I submit that if you are a harried mom, over-worked and tired, with a toddler (whose very name designates their favorite activity), it is easy to become short-tempered and frustrated with your children. I remember having toddlers pushing me to the edge of sanity. HOWEVER...

If you have (especially only one!) a small child in a public place, it is not difficult to work some magic and keep them happily with you the whole time. Especially a girl, whose budding social skills will be entranced if you simply talk to her. Here's a better version of the scenario:
Mom and TG walk into the library hand-in-hand. TG wants to wander, but Mom wants to look at videos. Mom takes TG to look for a picture book first, then over to the movies, still holding TG's hand and talking with her all the way. Instead of acting like TG is a dog that should stay leashed, Mom engages (key word) TG in a little conversation in the movie aisle. "My goodness, TG, do you see the colors on this box? Can you see the blue flowers? Oooh, there's a car on this one, look at that! What color is the car?" And such. If this fails and TG still wants to wander, there is a simple solution. Mom either quickly grabs whatever movie she sees first, or opts not to take one at the moment and scoops TG up in her arms, saying in a soft voice (example, anyone?) "Oh, we're in the library, sweetie, you get to stay with Mom. Let's go check out your book" and they leave.

It's difficult, not always getting what we moms want. I know. But the relationship with the child actually matters most.  A small child who is being loud and running around is a small child acting normally. Not rotten. A small child who is scooped into mommy's arms and loved is a lot less likely to ransack the library while you are there. If this fails and small child is just too ornery for a visit to the library, LEAVE! You can try again later, after they have had a snack, or a nap. With most children, if they are uncooperative on an outing, it is usually one of three things:

1. They are pooped and need a nap or a change of scenery.
2. They are hungry-- their little bellies digest food quickly, they can't go as long as we can between meals and snacks!
3. Mom/Dad is disengaged and trying to be "Jane or John" instead of "Mom or Dad". Re-engage with your child. Actively parent. Lovingly teach, show and talk to them, and magic happens. 

I'm not an expert, but I do know a thing or two about children. This has been Parenting 101. Now, go hug your little one. The toddler years feel like ages, but are gone in a flash. You have one chance to do this right. And everything you do, from hugs and sweet whispers to name-calling and scowling affects your child. Everything.

*Toddler Girl = TG

** Our library has a little game the kids can play to earn a sucker, they just have to fill in a small paper and give it to the librarian.