When I was young, I was very, very shy. I hardly spoke at all. We moved every 2 years, so I also didn’t have a lot of friends. One here and one there until jr. high, when we finally settled long enough for me to get comfortable with some kids, as well as finding my love for performing- drama and music. When I started college, one of my home evening brothers was a boy I had been in 2nd or 3rd grade with who remembered honestly thinking I was a mute, because I was so quiet back then.
I remember being in Beehives and going to Brighton camp. I was so uncomfortable, so scared and so friendless. But the leaders pressured me into going, and I went. I loved the camp songs, but otherwise I was, not hyperbolically, miserable. I remember going out for a rock repelling activity and I was so scared that I refused to do it. The camp counselors really put on the pressure, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it—I am terrified of heights. Granted, it’s good for us to face our fears in a safe way, and granted, it might have been a turning point in me building some self-confidence, but surrounded by girls who didn’t like me and adults I didn’t know was not the time or place for me to face that fear. I was petrified. On Wednesday of the camp week, the bishop came up and I insisted I needed to go home- I was sick, I was on my period (for one of the first times…) and I had to go home. So, he took me home. I’d never felt so relieved in my life. I was safe at home. (This was post-crazy-abusive-mom-leaving.)
I’ve never been very good at making friends at church. Partly because we moved every 2 years, but also because I’ve never fit the mold—not even now in adulthood. I love the Lord and I love the church, and I’ve never struggled with obeying the Word of Wisdom or other standards, but I’m different. I was not the girl that glowed with confidence and Spirit. I was introverted (as I still am) and quiet and no one really liked me.
Jump forward a few decades and I have a daughter who is, like I was, introverted, quiet, “shy,” and not everyone takes the time necessary to get to know her. In her case, we’ve lived in this house since she was just over one-year old, so she has had the opportunity to make friends and get to know the kids in the neighborhood. This has not been easy for her, though. It’s very hard when you’re not like everyone else. She doesn’t smile a lot in public. She doesn’t laugh easily (in public) or know quite how to fit in. And that’s OKAY.
I promise, I’m getting to my point.
In the church (at least in Utah?) as adult leaders, we have a tendency to want the kids to conform. I’m not talking about the church standards here, I’m talking about things like activities and behavior. Katie didn’t want to go to the dance at Youth Conference. She was away from home, waaay out of her comfort zone, and she’s never been to youth dances and doesn’t think she’ll like them. A few things:
1. Yes, she had to go because that’s where everyone would be and she couldn’t exactly stay in her dorm.
2. Yes, she should do hard things, absolutely. Definitely. And I constantly encourage her to do so.
3. Yes, it is good for us to get out of our comfort zone and try new things.
That being said, how we handle kids who are different needs to be addressed. As well as realizing, as with my rock-repelling story, that there is a time and a place for growth. It doesn’t have to be determined by you when someone else is ready to grow.
As an aside, it really doesn’t help that her two best friends moved out of the ward and out of the town a few years ago, leaving her basically alone in the ward.
Katie has leaders who are absolutely trying to do the best thing for her and who love and care about her. However. Instead of pressuring her and telling her all the reasons she should like something or should do something, it would really be nice if someone would just say, “you know, I can see that you really don’t want to do this. This stuff can be really uncomfortable. I’m sorry you have to go, maybe you’ll have a better time than you think.” Or something like that.
She texted me that she’s sure I’ll hear about it because she didn’t mean to be rude but she was being talked to about the dance and one of the leaders kept touching her arm and my dear Katie doesn’t like that, and she finally said something like “you’re really stressing me out right now!” and had to go outside and have a good cry. This, friends, is a panic/anxiety attack. They didn’t mean to push her into that, and they probably don’t even realize that is what happened, but Katie is an even bigger introvert than I was at her age, and has massive anxiety and that is what happens. She didn’t mean to be rude, but I’m sure it seemed rude. And maybe she was rude. I wasn’t there.
The way we treat kids who are different, the misfits, needs to change. We need to stop trying to force them into a mold. We need to love them AS THEY ARE and stop and think about how the Savior would handle the situation. We need to change ourselves a little bit.
Not everyone understands what it’s like to have anxiety and panic attacks. Not everyone understands what it’s like to not feel like anyone likes you in this group you’re forced to be with. Many people don’t know what it’s like to be “different”. Katie, like I was before her, is different. She doesn’t always smile, she doesn’t always say the right thing or get excited about the “normal” things. She runs on a low energy level that I can’t explain- she gets that from her dad—and she is difficult to really get to know. I get it. She, like me, sometimes overreacts to physical stimuli—loud music, flashing lights, confrontation, touch, etc.
I need to figure out how to say what I’m thinking here. What would be a better way to handle her? Don’t handle her. Love her. Take her aside, one on one (don’t gang up on her), and quietly explain that she can’t stay alone in the dorms, so she does have to go to the church with everyone else, but that she can probably take it at her own pace and see if she can find a friend to dance with or see if she can hang out in the hall if it’s uncomfortable or something.
Yes, it’s good to push ourselves out of our comfort zones. Yes, it’s good to do hard things. But it’s not a church leader’s job to decide when and where those things happen. It’s their job to offer opportunities and love the kids as they are.
I’m very worried about Katie ending up with the world’s misfits and leaving the church because she doesn’t feel like she has a place here. Like she doesn’t fit in, so she’ll go find people who will accept her as she is. She’ll look for a “tribe” and she’ll find it. They’re out there. For young rebellious men in inner cities, there are gangs. For quirky girls who don’t fit in at church, there will be groups who feel oppressed by the church’s standards and would LOVE someone like Katie. There are places she will go if she doesn’t find her place here and that terrifies me.
The world is full of people telling young folks they don’t have to conform or fit in. Maybe the church needs a little more acceptance and a little less conformity. I’m not talking about sin—I’m talking about basic things. These kids need to feel accepted just as they are. The quiet kid or the kid who talks too much. The kid who is gangly and awkward, the kid with greasy hair, the kid with wrinkled clothes, the kid who doesn’t have any friends, the kid who doesn’t smile, the autistic kid, the undiagnosed issues kid. They need to feel like they matter in this place and time. Telling them that only goes so far. We have to show it. We need to listen and not just lecture. We need to love and care about where they are and not just push them to be where we think they should be.
Does this make any sense? I don’t know. I’m just so worried.
