I realized, after reading THIS that too most of my Facebook posts and blog entries indicate I'm living up to a near-perfect mommy standard that is fictional, simply because I don't want to be negative.
Okay, okay. I also don't want to look bad. My social anxiety and my personal pride make me want to put on the face of "everything is as it should be-- all the time", but that's simply not true.
I don't want you to think I'm needy.
I'm terrified of you knowing the deep dark secrets of my imperfections.
I especially don't want you to think I'm like my mother.
Parenthood, is hard enough without thinking that others (especially those prideful enough to give advice on such) aren't also having hard days or bad thoughts or ugly moments. I don't want you to even imagine that I don't.
So, here are some things I should probably not confess:
- When my children were younger, especially (but sometimes even now) I have had moments when I swear if I heard the word "Mom" one more time, it would push me over the edge. I got so tired of hearing it that I would say, "Please just tell me what you need-- you already said "Mom" three times on your way across the room."
- I don't always speak to my kids in a nice voice. Sometimes, I have to apologize later for being rude or angry or impatient.
- My greatest fear is that my kids will walk into adulthood and carry with them the worst of me instead of the best. Please, kids, don't do that. My worst is all mine, I didn't mean to share it.
- I have days that I wish I could just walk away.
- There have been times that I didn't even like one of my children. I had to ask God for help with that one. Thankfully, He helped me and I got past a time of great irritation.
- I regret that I ever spanked my kiddos. It wasn't severe, and it wasn't long-term, but my two oldest have had an angry swat from me. If you've never lost your temper to the point of spanking, you win this contest. If you have, you're not alone. I also had to ask God for help with this one. Someday, I'll tell you the whole story. It was life-changing for me.
- I get tired of being the mom. I get tired of being the single, sole member of this household who cares whether dishes, homework, chores and family scriptures study happens. (That's my martyred perception. Pretty close to reality, though...) I just get sick of it all and want to go lie in bed with a book and not talk to any of them.
- I miss having time alone. One of the major reasons I wish I was still a stay-home mom is that they go to school and I would have some time alone in my house to clean, read, get organized, pay the bills, do the shopping, without anyone hanging on me or interrupting every ten seconds with another detailed video game description or "look-what-I-did" story.
- I actually enjoy it when my kids go to camps or other things that take them out of the house for a few minutes. I sometimes end up missing them and I always love having them come home, but I enjoy the time apart. I really enjoy the quiet.
- I have set a poor example of physical health. I don't like to exercise and I love junk food. I try to keep the latter a secret, but they probably know...
- Motherhood is a heavy burden sometimes. When the kid throws up all over the floor, walls, shower curtain and door of the bathroom, she doesn't call "Dad!" Hoooo, no. Dad nudges me and gets me out of bed at 1:00 a.m. to deal with it. When bad things happen, who do they run to tell? Mom is expected to do/be responsible for just about everything (at my house) and it's just plain exhausting. Sometimes I don't enjoy it.
There's much more, but I'm out of time and this is already too long-winded. Suffice it to say, don't ever doubt that I don't see my imperfections, my shortcomings and my frustrations. I know I'm not perfect, and neither are my kids.