In Which My Son Learns That Parenting is HARD!

Yesterday, I took my kids to the local amusement park, Lagoon, with a cousin and a friend, and dropped them off. 

I was very nervous about this. My daughter will be 13 and son will be 16 next week, so I kept telling myself they are old enough to handle this. And I can't really ride thrill rides anymore, so it wasn't worth the $40 ticket to accompany them. This is what they wanted for their birthdays-- to take a friend and spend a day at Lagoon.

Parenting Ideas: Bubble Bursting

Many years ago, I learned that I didn't need to be the one to "burst" my kids's "bubble" of hope and dreams for their futures, even if I saw them as unrealistic. 

My oldest son wanted to play in the NBA, when he was young-- say from age 5-14. We weren't as positive as we probably should have been. I think we said, "Oh! That would be fun, but it's really hard. Not many people get there. You can do it, but it's not going to be easy." I know... ouch. Life then taught him, beginning with Junior Jazz, then church ball and workouts with the high school teams, that basketball was not his path. He's not very tall, and although he's got great shooting skills, his anxiety and temper got in the way of him becoming a really great player. Which is okay. Luckily, he has been blessed with other interests and opportunities and he doesn't feel remorse over having to set aside his NBA dreams. 

from wallstcheatsheet.com

However, I feel like I shouldn't have begun teaching him what the world and life were about to teach him. Even if he's not good enough, I don't want to be the parent that says, "Oh, honey, that will never happen. You should give up that dream right now and focus on Waste Management." I should probably have said, "Wow! Good for you! I can't wait to see what you do!" And left it at that. The world was all ready and waiting to pop that dream bubble. I certainly didn't need to deflate it first.

My second son wants to be a computer programmer, my third son wants to work in filmmaking and my daughter wants to be an author. Having mentally told myself not to be the bubble deflater again, I haven't said anything about how difficult any of these jobs might be to attain. I have been positive and encouraging, and allowed them to pursue their interests. If they stink at what they want to do, future bosses, critics and co-workers will certainly tell them so. 

from preschooler.thebump.com

Maybe just getting out of the way is the best way parents can support their kids? If it doesn't work out, it isn't because we put doubt in their minds, but if it does, we will be able to smile and pat ourselves on the back for supporting their dreams all along.

I want my kids to be able to stand on the podium of achievement one day and say that their mom stood by them the whole way, that I always knew they could do it. And I want that to be the truth.

from the-flack.com

It's a tricky balancing act, though, like most things parents do. How do you encourage your kids without making the mistake of treating them as though they are a perfect cupcake of talent and can do no wrong? (This is one of my favorite articles on this topic.) 

I believe it's by giving them room to explore their interests, while calling them down for behaviors that are out of line. Expect great things, but also give them opportunities to work. 

Kids will understand that there will always be someone smarter, prettier, funnier, faster, taller, and better at _________ than them. However, I hope they are also learning that if they are diligent and righteous and dedicated, willing to work hard and start where they are (at the bottom, usually), they can achieve their dreams. Because they can. I really believe that.

And if I'm wrong, I will still be here, ready to stand by them during their next adventure.

So what do you think? 

The Worst Conversation

The other day I had to have a conversation with my 11-year old daughter that I had dreaded. I knew it would happen one day, but I really, really didn't want it to. No, I'm not referring to "the talk"-- we've had that conversation a few times and continue discussing it as new questions come up. I don't really mind those conversations. This is different.

My Ongoing Quest for a Clean House and Well-Raised Children Continues

In an effort to include my children in the chores-and-housework process, rather than stomp my feet and throw things at them in anger over the house still being trashed and all the myriad electronic devices at my house being in use in spite of the trashed state of things, we had a family meeting last night. After some some silliness, (well, really lots of silliness- thank you teenage sons), some emotional outbursts (thank you 10-y.o. daughter...) and some actual conversation, we came up with what I hope will work for the next 7 weeks until school starts and we have to reassess the whole situation again. If it will be of any inspirational help to you in reorganizing kids' chores, here is what we decided:

Each child has been assigned a "zone"- one or two areas that they are responsible to make sure stay tidy and clean. Everyone shares the kitchen, and keeps their previous kitchen and dish assignments. The Zone Boss has the right, after a single, 5-minute proclamation (i.e. "I will be cleaning the front room in 5 minutes, please come get your stuff) to place any items left out by their siblings (anything, including laundry or favorite iPods or video games, etc.) into The Box, as it's known.

The Box is a large plastic container, in which I was placing abandoned items, which have to be ransomed out by the owners. This is an idea I found on Pinterest. Here is the blog belonging to the lady with the original idea. She is, by the way, hilarious. The ransom assignmentss are written on slips of paper in an envelope in the box, and include such things as:

• Sweep the back porch
• wash one window
• give mom a hug and tell her you're sorry for leaving your things out
• sing "Whistle While You Work" while you walk 3 laps around the yard
• Free Pass- lucky you!
• Write a haiku about a clean house

You get the idea. Some are silly, some are extra jobs, and a very few are freebies. Up until now, I was the only one allowed to place items in the box. So... it's about to get very interesting at my house.

I told them I very sincerely don't want to take away their electronic entertainment, their right to have friends over, their movie nights or any other privileges, but that if I come home and find the house trashed and everyone in front of a screen, that is probably what will happen.

Also, the kids are expected to do just a few other things before "playing", including reading 30-60 minutes, practicing piano, collecting eggs or feeding the cat, etc. and they still retain their Saturday chores, which no one likes, but they have to be done (bathroom stuff and vacuuming). If they actually do everything I'm asking them to, it will still only be a couple of hours, and considering they are laying around and/or playing for up to 16 hours each day, that's not too much to ask, is it?

Wish me luck... we'll see how well this new order works.

A Spoonful of Sugar. A Little Rant About the Kids Chores

This is much prettier than what my kids get. Crafty I'm not.

In my never-ending quest to be the "perfect" mom, I keep trying new motivational challenges to inspire my children to actually do the chores they have been assigned. I've tried lists. I've tried lists with points. I've tried websites. I've tried charts with checkboxes. I've tried charts with checkboxes in sheet protectors to use with dry erase markers. I've tried simplifying and fancifying. I've tried the magnet board with jobs they just move over when they're done (similar to the photo, only much, much simpler. Just a magnet board and words-- my kids are way too old for pictures to be effective). I've tried attaching chores to money. I've tried discussions and letting them share their input. I've tried end-of-the-week prizes. I've tried everything.

What works? None of those things. Our household has never really been one of rigid schedules and drill-sergeant control. I've also never been much of a "helicopter" parent- hovering and supervising my kids to death. I haven't taught them to really "manage" their time (they get so much of that at school that I figure home can be less scheduled). But I still have kids with decent to amazing grades (all their own work). And I still have well-behaved kids. And they do mostly get their chores done. The main requirement at our house is that chores are done before video games or TV is turned on, so the boys do theirs. My daughter is another story-- her chores only get done if someone actually walks along with her, pointing things out. She lives on another planet. I used to live there, too, so I totally understand. It's a day-dreamy, imaginative place, and I do feel bad drawing her out of it to do boring chores, but I worry that I'm raising a slob who won't be good at keeping house. Like... well, like me.

By golly, I'm a good mom after all. Thanks, random sign.

So what to do? I tend to just nag and nag until we're all tired, or I just ignore it and later I get upset that the electronic toys are all in use, but the house is still what I consider a mess. I can't seem to find a balance. Part of the problem is that I'm not here much anymore. Now that I work full time (and I know I talk about that a lot, as if it's a problem. Because it IS...) I'm not here to check and make sure the jobs are done before the iPod comes out or the TV goes on. They're on the honor system. And I don't want to start taking stuff away to force them into compliance. 

I need a so-called "natural" consequence. I'm considering not saying a word about chores for a full week. Maybe I won't do any, either. If my husband could stand it. We could see just how bad the house gets if no one is reminded or coerced or otherwise convinced to do chores, laundry, dishes, etc. Of course, that would be VERY hard to recover from. And would require more effort from me than just the daily nagging. Hmm...

Maybe what I need to do is come home from work fully expecting to have to gather the children around for a quick house-tidy-pickup and kitchen-job review each night. It wouldn't have to be miserable... just consistent.

Which is probably my entire problem. I'm inconsistent. Sometimes I'm so tired I just don't care about the house and other times it makes me crazy. Hormones fluctuate, moods shift, fatigue ebbs and flows and everything else is affected.

I don't want robot children, though. Nor do I want rebels. I have to find balance...

Time for another Family Home Evening conversation about sharing the housework responsibilities, I suppose. Maybe I could just ask them to list what work needs to be done and then they could decide who will do what... hmm... 

I thought this was just beautiful.

If only my children could wiggle their noses or wave their wands and march all their belongings back to their proper places. Of course, then their noses would be "too tired" or their wands would be misplaced and the house would still look a bit cluttered, a bit dusty and a lot lived in.